


Unsolicited

by sharkinterviewee



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Dick Pics, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Light-Hearted, One Shot, Sexting, Sexual Humor, Texting, just something a little fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-10-05 02:16:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17316173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkinterviewee/pseuds/sharkinterviewee
Summary: J:Where do people buy those little hats that they put on ferrets in those adorable pictures?A:JAKE. NO.J:Nvrmind. Found some. Thank god for etsy.[Or: before she started dating Jake, Amy thought there were only two kinds of dick pics. Solicited and unsolicited. She's now come to realize there are three kinds. Unsolicited sexual dick pics, solicited sexual dick pics, and unsolicited humorous dick pics. The third kind were sent with the intention of making her snort with laughter because he thought her glasses looked hilarious on his penis and wanted to share that with her. The aim of those was always to make her laugh]





	Unsolicited

Amy Santiago used to think there were only two types of dick pics: solicited and unsolicited. She's come to realize that she needed to add a much broader category.

* * *

The first type were the serious, trying to be sexy dick pics.

She's had a past boyfriend or two that would send her some randomly in the middle of the day, which is just annoying, even if they’re from a particular dick you kinda liked looking at sometimes.

_(side note: Amy tried online dating once, and deleted her profile within a week because the horror stories she'd heard about females getting spammed with dick pics weren't exaggerated at all. Guys are the ones who have penises on them all day every day, so how did they not know that there was no such thing as a photogenic dick? They just were not pretty, meanwhile the men who spammed her seemed to think their dick was beautiful and that most people would agree that it was a real looker. Also, just looking at a picture of a dick doesn't turn a woman on like magic if she's not aroused in the slightest. Chatting amicably and suddenly getting a dick pic did not make her hot, it just made her roll her eyes and then delete him._

_If she was looking at dick pics when she was touching herself and already aroused, that was when they were enjoyable, to be honest- when she was already horny was when dicks became the most visually appealing, and why sending flirty/dirty texts and sexting her boyfriend was actually fun when they were both in the mood for that)_

Anyways, with how immature Jake was and how many title of your sextape jokes he made, one might assume that sending a picture in the middle of the day was right up his alley. But nope, he never did that.

He only sent her serious dick pics when they had already started a sexting session or whatever, and it was great. Good system.

Then came the second type kind of dick pics. The kind of dick pics she didn't know existed until she started dating Jake Peralta, and she's pretty sure he might have actually invented this genre of dick pics. The second kind were not sent in mind with dicks being associated with sex.

The second kind, she wanted to maybe call them... humorous dick pics? They weren't intended to be sexual at all. Humorous dick pics were the only ones he sent her randomly, because the hilarity he discovered was spontaneous. Because something made him laugh and he thought it would make her laugh too.

* * *

They've been dating for over a year, so yes, they've sexted many times before. Great times. This was not one of those times.

This was when Amy was riding on a public bus with people sitting very close to her, and Jake knew she was on a public bus because she was away for the weekend and she decided to go sightseeing, hence the bus, and when she started texting Jake about how crowded the bus was and how uncomfortable it was with so many people, that was when the dick pics started flowing in.

Not just any dick pics, though. Not even trying to be sexy dick pics. Nope. He sent her pictures of his penis trying on all of her glasses. Along with fancy mustaches that he had drawn with either washable marker or eyeliner or something, because every pair of her ‘nerd’ glasses had a different mustache to accompany it. She really had to bite her tongue in order to not be _that_ weirdo staring at their phone and cracking up on public transport because _oh my god.  
_

* * *

J: _  
Where do people buy those little hats that they put on ferrets in those adorable pictures?_

 

Amy stared at her screen for a moment, and when she fully processed what that sentence actually meant, she couldn’t type her response fast enough.

 

A: _  
JAKE. NO._

 

J: _  
Nvrmind. Found some. Thank god for etsy._

 

* * *

She thought it was over and done with after that. Once he went radio silent and she continued her sight seeing, thankful to be off the crowded and compact bus that made her feel claustrophobic just thinking about. She wasn’t exactly looking forward to the return trip from the museum, but at least while she was walking around she could breathe. The floor plan of the place at least meant they could actually spread out and she could retain her personal space bubble, which was much better for her to, you know, not freak out. The museum was actually pretty cool (and quiet, thank goodness), and she knew she had two hours to spare before she had to get back on the death trap. But it wasn’t too long after she had started her tour that she got another text.

 

J: _  
So since it’s the beginning of October, they have pet costumes on sale at petco_

 

A: _  
Oh no_

 

J: _  
Oh yes_

 

He followed it up with a picture of his penis wearing a bumble bee costume made for a ferret, and her laughter burst through her fingers, try as she might to hold it in. All the other people in the museum looked at her for the loud noise from her barely stifled laugh, but she didn't even care, cause this was the most ridiculous thing she had ever seen.

 

J: _  
Side note: we should get a ferret. I held on today at petco and oh my god we need one. The only reason I didn’t buy one was because I didn’t know if you’d be allergic in case your deathly dog allergy hops species. I mean, who am I to say that dog fur is different than ferret fur?_

 

A: _  
This is a weekend trip. I’ll be home tomorrow night. You couldn’t even go 24 hours without almost impulse buying a pet? I’m never leaving you alone again. Don’t you dare get a pet, Jake. Any pet. No purchasing animals when I’m out of town. Don’t even think about it. If there’s something in out apartment when I get home tomorrow I will be so pissed._

 

J: _  
On a completely unrelated note that has nothing to do with getting pets this weekend at all, I wanted to ask you a biology question. You know, science and nerd stuff. So if an individual has an allergic reaction to a certain kind of animal fur, does that make it more likely that their body with hate other species fur too? If someone is allergic to cat fur, does that mean they’re probably allergic to dog fur? If someone is allergic to duck feathers, does that mean they might be allergic to dogs, or say ferrets? I’m asking for a friend_

 

A: _  
You’re such an idiot_


End file.
